MonkeyStation Pro

The MonkeyStation Pro computer brings a new flavor of processing power beyond a traditional CPU or GPU, with the introduction of the Banana Processing Unit (BPU). Coupled to an Intel® Core™ i7-4770S processor via Banana Effect Transistor (BET) technology, a BPU delivers up to a terabit per second of bit rot. See the section BET Technology for technical details, or if you are not technically inclined, just believe in the power of bananas.

The block diagram below shows the key components of the MonkeyStation Pro.

Operating System

Common wisdom is that good hardware is useless without an operating system. MonkeyStation Pro overturns that wisdom with MacaqueSoft® Windows Apes Punt One, which makes the hardware still useless. Designed for a screen the size of a banana peel, its remarkably clumsy user interface will have you hooting and hollering in frustration.

• All the new "apps" fill your entire screen, no matter how trivial the task. The screen shot (full 1920x1080 HD resolution at actual scale) below shows how our coin flip apps hogs your entire monitor to deliver one random bit of information.

Apps like this assure destruction of your mental continuity for multitasking.

• Useful functionality has been hidden deep in the secret keystroke jungle, or maybe removed. Using Apes makes every day a scavenger hunt!.

• Incompatibilities will crash your favorite programs. Think of the hours you'll save by not running them.

• We'll steer you to Bong! Bong this! Bong that! You will love Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!

Eventually you will give up trying to do anything with your MonkeyStation Pro. Then it can go to sleep and your power savings begin!

BET Technology

The average banana has about a billion cells, each with about a gigabit of DNA information, yielding a total theoretical information capacity on the order of an exabit. (Banana formatting may decrease usable storage.) Assuming a shelf time of 10 days, the average banana performs a terabit per second of bit rot! Recognizing this potential to accelerate GIGO computations, Blonzonics researchers developed the Banana Effect Transistor (BET), which have naturally high K (potassium) dielectric. The schematic below shows a 2-input NAND gate built from BET devices:

BET technology enables Blonzonics to couple bananas to an Intel® Core™ i7-4770S processor using industry-standard PCI Excess. Intel® HD Graphics 4600 plays a critical role in bringing BPU technology to the desktop. With powerful graphics integrated into the traditional processor die, MonkeyStation Pro needs no GPU add-in card. That opens up critical space and a PCI Excess slot, making room for up to two Banana Processing Units (BPU). The picture below shows a twin BPU configuration.

What Others Are Saying!

``With Blonzonics BPUs, we've doubled production of content-free grammars!'' -- M. Arketroid, head of sales at Chompsky Hierarchy Inc.

``Banana Effect Transistor technology has doubled the precision of our unjustifiable models of risk. Now we can fully decouple from reality!'' -- Q. Want, chief technologist for Bank of Bailout.

``DINPACK may be an utterly misleading benchmark, but bunches of BPUs let us make a lot of noise about having the best DINPACK performance in the industry!'' -- vendor of Flop 500 system

About Blonzonics Corporation

Blonzonics is a privately held company. Below is a picture of the CEO and Top Banana, Blonzo, deep in thought, next to a MonkeyStation Pro. To prevent cerebral overheating, he's wearing a Blonzonics® Brain Cooler, a coming Blonzonics entry into the wearable technology market.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: My MonkeyStation Pro developed a high-pitched buzz after a week. Why?

A: The buzz is usually caused by fruit flies in your BPU. You can debug it by replacing the old bananas with fresh ones.

Q: My BPU seems slow after I installed green bananas.

A: Store your computer in a brown bag for a few days. [Warning: do not operate computer while bagged. Lack of air circulation may overheat the CPU.]

Q: Can I license Banana Effect Transistors?

A: Contact Blonzo for licensing terms. However following Bell Lab's historic lead, Blonzonics will license Banana Effect Transistors for free when used in hearing aid applications. Imagine the future, when people say: "Wait, I can't hear you until I get a banana in my ear!"

News Flash! MonkeyStation Pro Wins 2nd Place!

2015-Jan-3: MonkeyStation Pro wins 2nd place in Al Zimmermann Programming Contest ''Delacorte Numbers''. To quote the contest web site: "You've entered an arena where demented computer programmers compete for glory and for some cool prizes."

It was a tense finish. Blonzonics had a deal with its programmer, Arch D. Robison, to use only a MonkeyStation Pro for computing results. However, unknown to Blonzonics, Mr. Robison had a second quad-core machine running over the holidays. Though the improvement to his score from using that machine would not raise his rank in the contest, he was nonetheless furiously trying to upload the results in the minute before the contest ended. Fortunately, our CEO caught him. An argument ensued, with Mr. Robison demanding a written copy of the deal. Our CEO was lacking one, but made up for it with his swift paws! Capturing the mouse, he ensured that Mr. Robison's final score was based solely on a MonkeyStation Pro.

A full account of the program can be found here. Blonzonics will vouch that its programmer meets the contest qualification of "demented".

Product Announcement: Hotwire!

2018-Nov-12: Does your MonkeyStation Pro fail to boot because the power switch broke stuck on? Fear not. Our CEO, while rooting around with a stick for lunch in a termite mound, was inspired to create the breakthrough replacement for computer power switches: Blonzonics™ Hotwire! Built from the highest quality duct-tape and tastefully exposed wires, you can now power on your MonkeyStation Pro with the tap of a screwdriver. That's not all: you can tap it on with pliers, keys, forks, pocket knives, or even a chain saw (not included).

Booting your MonkeyStation Pro has never been easier. The fluorescent orange triangle points to where to tap. Anyone can learn the technique. Keep a screwdriver nearby and tap to short the blue and white wires. One tap not enough? Just keep banging on the switch until the blue power light comes on. Practice your Blonzonics™ Hotwire technique and you'll be ready to feast on the next termite mound!